if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I pour the whiskey from now on
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
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