I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
