My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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