as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
