The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
