Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
