i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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