So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Randomize
