we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
