Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
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