I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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