walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
