I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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