If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
You're breaking my sexual little heart
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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