ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I believe in your delicious
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
