could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
