Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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