plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
