just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Randomize
