Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
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