If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
