Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Randomize
