textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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