Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
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