She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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