all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
