i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
