Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
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He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
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you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
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