i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
