Where are you?
In a non slutty way
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
