I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
last night I used snow as a chaser
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
