JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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