Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
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