then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Are we still banned from the library?
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
