He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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