I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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