I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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