If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
