On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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