You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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