A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
