Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
