3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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