the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
