Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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