he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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