Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
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