The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Oh god it's open bar.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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