dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
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