The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
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