i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
