Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
My vagina is officially offended.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize
