the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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