And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
