Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
