Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
