she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Your cock deserves a montage
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
