it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
