hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
two words...techno handjob
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
